Seeing Double

As with most of Jesus’ ministry, he was surrounded by people who were a study into understanding and seeing ourselves as we really are. What I have been

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recently “taken” with has been the juxtaposition of the men around Jesus — Judas and Peter, the two criminals on the cross, and Thomas and Peter.

Let’s start with Judas and Peter. This is an interesting pair because how much of a mirror image they are of each of us… of me. Really, one of the few things that separated Peter and Judas was the resurrection. Peter experienced it in it’s fullest sense by being restored by a risen Christ who was the only one who could have restored him. Because of his grief and bitterness over his own sin didn’t motivate him to take things into his own hands (like Judas), but to experience the fullness of that grief, and still obey waiting (against all hope) that Jesus would do what He said He would do … rise again and hope against all hope, restore him. Peter was an interesting person in light of these facts. He was impetuous, impulsive, brash, and bold. He thought it, and said it with little or no editing. He was the one that of all mankind had the opportunity to walk on water because of these very qualities. He was also the one that quavered in his faith when his vision and focus on Jesus was broken by the storm that surrounded him(that sounds familiar doesn’t it?). Peter was so thoroughly flawed that most had consigned him to the obscure job of a fisherman. Yet,… yet… it was Peter who held off his own condemnation and punishment, and waited. Why? Do you ever wonder why Peter didn’t do what Judas did? The picture of him betraying Jesus with his words is a heart-wrenching one. He realized how he had denied Jesus, betrayed Him who he said was his best friend and yet, trusted Jesus enough to forestall his own punishment to have the faith to be restored.

Judas, on the other hand, did what so many of us do… he was his own judge, jury, and executioner. His betrayal was revealed for what it was in spite of whatever ideology he was operating from in order to get Jesus to do what he so long desired him to do — restore God’s kingdom on earth, or if not that ideology just being motivated by pure greed to get a little extra for himself by handing over Jesus to the religious/political elites of the day. What delusion was he operating from in order to justify such a grand plan for a few pieces of silver? No matter… in the end the full brunt of his delusion is unveiled for his own eyes to see, and he confronts his own utter depravity to condemn an innocent man to death. In my own “little” way, I find myself connecting with both men. In my betrayal, I can take matters into my own hands, and exact the punishment that I have decided I deserve. In other words, without trust, all that is left is the exacting law of my own performance-driven perfectionism and control, and it’s clear that someone has to be punished for such offenses. On that point, God would agree, but over the “whom” would be His sticking point. After all, that is what today is about. The only punishment for not fulfilling the “law” is death. That’s clear from all the rituals of sacrifice which were embedded in the Hebrew mind for millennia. But, what of the “law” of my mind? It is most certainly death, but an emotional one which also separates from the Giver of this Gift of forgiveness, grace, mercy, and a truth that sets us free.

Thankfully, there are other times, for whatever the reason, I actually wait in trust that I can be restored by Jesus perhaps provided me in the love and support of the community around me, or perhaps even more profoundly through cameo appearances of the flawed people in the Bible like Peter and Judas. In the waiting, in such a ruthless act of trust I do find restoration, I do find the strength I didn’t think I had to resist my tendency to exact a punishment on myself that has already been paid in full, or my tendency to medicate my restlessness, or push my daily pain under a veneer of false bravado. But, in order to trust, I have to throw off my own designs to punish myself. There is really one grand thing that separated Peter and Judas. Judas exacted his own punishment, and never saw Easter; never looked into his Savior’s eyes to see love and grace, forgiveness and redemption. Judas’ grief over his betrayal drove him to make the world turn out the way it was “supposed to be.” If you’ve done wrong; if you’ve committed the ultimate sin, someone must die, and that’ll be me. When I choose that route even in an emotional sense in not forgiving myself, I factor out the grace and forgiveness offered me through the pain of trust. After all, that is the “crux” of the issue, right? The cross marks the center point of history, the defining moment in all our lives — whether we believe the claims of Jesus or not. “X” (a cross on it’s side) marks the spot where we are driven to choose — trust or control.

You can see much the same tension between the two “criminals” on either side of Jesus in the crucifixion scene. One is cursing to his last dying breath… breathing out all manner of hatred, and saying what the Message Bible renders… “What kind of God are you???” Even in his helplessness to do anything for himself, and eventually prevent his own death, this criminal attempts to maintain the veneer of control by blaming Jesus for not being “God” enough for him. Of course, that’s what blaming does… The other criminal, on the other hand, recognizes the gravity of the situation he’s in and all he can do is plead with Jesus to just “remember me.” A simple request from a man whose life has been reduced to hours. The ultimate request of trust. There’s little left of his life, and he knows it, and all he asks is for Jesus to remember him.

One last pair I want to look at. Peter (again?) and Thomas. We have a “new” Peter the days after Jesus’ resurrection. Something has changed in him, but there are others who are still where Peter was before, like Thomas. You’ve got to feel sorry for Thomas.

Just imagine if  you were to strike up a conversation with Tom, and say, “So, what part did you play in the band of disciples of Jesus?”

He looks at you a little sheepishly, and says, “Well, actually, what I’m most known for is doubting whether Jesus was really risen or not. Thankfully, my story didn’t end there, I finally came around after I saw everything.”

Now, there’s a real resume building item! Yet, how often I relate to Thomas. His sense of incredulity just simply outstripped all that he had seen as a disciple of Jesus. With Jerry McGwire he was saying, “Show me the money!!!!”

“Show me the evidence, and then I’ll believe.”

I can relate to that! There are way too many times that I function by the adage, “trust is only as good as the evidence that follows it!”

Yet, can’t you wonder what Peter was thinking when he saw this little drama play out before him?

“Yep, been there… Thomas! I would have been to the grave first if that little whippersnapper John hadn’t outrun me. I saw the empty grave, and Jesus appeared to me as well. I just can’t deny again… I just can’t. We have to walk our own journey, Thomas, you’ll see… I mean, you will really see!”

Okay, so I took a little artistic license with what we’re told, but all too often we make these guys out to be something other than they were… real men, with real insecurities, but a stubborn, persistent desire to follow this confusing and comforting Rabbi who not only died, but is alive again.

On this Easter, I find myself beset and overwhelmed by assaults on members of my family more than myself. I have certainly known the assaults to be pointed at myself and my own sense of power, but when these are directed toward my family members, the game changes. Do I really trust? Is it something I simply claim and act upon, or is it something that I live into? I think the latter more than the former. Why? Because, living into trust means that I walk with trusting dependence (which I can’t help but think such dependence makes God smile) rather than asking for a full tank of trust to make the journey. Each moment of today will be a “living into trust” with God and my loved ones. Will it turn out like I hope? I don’t know. If it doesn’t it will be the next defining moment in my journey of faith. Will I take control, or will I trust? Peter or Judas? Criminal #1, or criminal #2? Peter or Thomas? Probably both…